Sunday, September 28, 2014

Remember me?!?

This crazy thing called life came in and swept me up in a turbulent storm and tossed me upon a shore covered in shattered glass! OR so it seems most days. 

As I recall, I used to have semi, on my way to being, doing okay, maybe better than below average, over 75 at least viewers reading my "Scattered Pieces of My Mind" Blog. I had over 2,000 visitors each week! I felt like what I was writing was actually being read. I felt like maybe I had a purpose on life, despite the brain injury setting me back. 

My life began to spiral with the divorce from my husband of 13 years and my access to internet was very limited by time and money. Without my blog there to keep me on track, I temporarily lost my ever loving mind! I started talking to strange men that I had no business talking to. Then one by one I ended up in their beds. I looked for love in all the wrong places and learned what the term "players" really meant. 

By the time true love found me, I was almost too far gone. This time love swept me up in a different kind of turbulent storm. I made decisions rapidly. I didn't think things through. I jumped with a parachute that I'd hoped might open. I got a good man, no doubt there. I love my husband with all of my heart - no doubt there. 

I just wonder if I'm any good at being a wife. 

With my first husband I worked part time jobs helping with special needs and elderly. He made plenty of money and there really wasn't a reason for me to work except that he was stingy with the money. I homeschooled our daughter. She seemed happy. I did nanny work, elderly care, and special needs help and used that money to buy birthdays, holidays, random parties and outings for my daughter and her friends. It wasn't that important that I worked. 

There were times before our easier roads. We lost everything in 2001, right after the 9-11. My ex lost his job. My daughter and I were very sick and I missed a week of work. Things weren't good, NICU bills were still hanging over us, and the credit cards were maxed out. That's when his parents rolled out the "welcome mat". They gave us a place to live in the basement, rent free, they helped buy our food, and slipped money in our car for gas and gave "dollars" here and there to buy little extras. Their wonderful act of generosity allowed us to rise above that basement and get back on our feet! I love my ex mother n law to this day, even though I have no idea if she remembers me (dementia) and my late ex father n law, even though he didn't live to see us move forward. He played a big part in his son's success. 

Now, my new husband doesn't make much. He's on disability and works part time when he can. We live off of food stamps. It's not the easy life I was accustomed to. I know that I need to work. I enjoy having some independence, but I haven't had the best of luck with online applications and finding places hiring. I plan to go out Monday, if he will trust me enough to give me the keys. He says I'm too emotional to drive (shaking my head). I'm going to be emotional as long as I'm out of work. I need something to keep me busy. I need some independence away from everyone in the family knowing my business. 

I just need to be me again! My identity was "mom" and "hey you". Now its whatever pet name my new husband chooses to call me. He's a very sweet man. I don't want to go through life without him. I just don't want to give up on who I am either. I like the country. I like having nicer things in life. I like working hard. I like having my own secrets. 

Well, it's okay if you don't remember me. I remember me. I know who I am and where I've been and what I must do to get back. Some days I just feel like giving up, but there's this little tiny voice that says "try just one more time". 



Thursday, September 25, 2014

To Angela

Dearest Angela Marie,                              September 25, 2014 , 5:42 PM, Tallahassee FL 

This is a letter that's been on my mind for a while to write. I've learned that anything can happen in an instant and all the love in my heart for you might not be known. For that reason, I wanted to write these words straight from my broken heart to yours. 


April 24, 1999 was the most amazing day of my entire life. I was just shy of 20 and scared to death! My body had gone through a transformation and all day 24/7 morning sickness had taken its toll. On that day, though, none of that mattered as the surgery ended and your life began. 

It wasn't right away that your heart beat, or that you drew a breath. I just felt in my heart that God had not brought me that far to give you back to Him, and with faith my doctor and I prayed for you! That's right, little miss self proclaimed "Athiest", we prayed to the God in Heaven that I taught you about all those years, and HE breathed life into your lifeless body! The doctors gave you 0% chance at survival and gave me 50% chance of survival. Just look at us now!

The pressures of breathing on your own were too much for your pneumonia infected under developed lungs, and it wasn't long before you crashed and your tiny body went limp again! What did your mom do? I prayed again to the God in Heaven that He would let me keep you and you were breathing at 40% on your own by night fall. Don't tell me there isn't a God looking out for you! 

Doctors said you'd never walk or talk. I didn't care. You were my angel. Doctors said you'd be a "sickly" child. I didn't care. You were my angel. Every time a germ came near you, you caught it. Did you know that I spent every day of your first year on a ladder cleaning the walls with bleach water because you were allergic to dust? It was a labor of love. 

If only you knew how much I loved you. If only you could have seen beyond your friends and your dad's money. I loved you from before you were even known about! I started loving you when I was a little girl. My heart filled with anticipation of being a mom and having a little girl to do special things with. 

Don't you remember? I took you to the park. I played games with you. I read to you. I was reading to you before you were even born! My heart is so filled with love for you. I loved every moment of the fourteen years you gave me. You are the best thing that ever happened to my life and that includes marrying the love of my life who only wanted to be your "Dai" but you pushed him away too.

Angel, you mean the world to me as I write this. My heart carries a huge hole since you walked away. If something should happen and I never see your beautiful face again, I would die with that hole in my heart, that emptiness of not having you in my life. 

Oh can't you see? I only wanted to be a good mom. I tried so hard. I loved you. I took the best care of you that I knew how. I tried to home school you so you wouldn't have to deal with bullies and mean teachers. You were everything to me. You were my reason to wake up, you were my reason to fight against memory loss and immobility. I lied to protect you from the anger of your father. I took the blame when you made a mistake so he'd yell at me, not you. I couldn't stand to see him yell at you. 

I always tried to have your friends over and take them places when he wasn't around. He hated kids. He always told me he hated kids. I did everything in my power to make sure you got together with your friends. Don't you remember the museum? the park? the concert? the mountains? the trick or treating? Doesn't anything I did mean anything to you? 

Oh Angela, you'll never understand the depths of my love. I only hope I am still around when you come to realize that life isn't just about your father's money. You are choosing to live a life without a mother's love. That's the biggest slap in the face I've ever received, and still my arms are always open - hoping you'll return and let me hold you. 

Another year passes by, a few texts, a visit here and there (if I'm lucky), and you seem fine with this.

I AM NOT FINE.

I am dying inside, a little more, each and every day that you choose to be away from me. My heart is shattered by your decision. 

I will never feel completely whole again. 

The only thing I ever felt I was good at, was being a mom. 

Now, I'm not that anymore. 

Even if I have more children, I'll never get to be "Angel's mom" again, unless you decide to throw me a holiday or visit along the way. 

If you're reading this, and its too late, just know that your Mutter loved you to the moon and back and left this world imagining you in her arms. 

Forever your mom,

~Mutter~ 




Let's Be REAL, You don't know me!

This is one of the most painful posts I will ever write and one of the REALEST posts you'll ever read. I am on the verge of completely losing my mind and nobody knows or understands my pain. Do Not tell me you understand because you do not. You might try to. You might think you do, but you don't know the whole story and sadly I can't tell you the whole story. All you know is what you read. You know I come from a history of abuse. You know I've been divorced. You know I left my life in Alabama and moved to Florida to remarry. You know we got pregnant and miscarried 3 times. You know I don't associate with my family and that we've been screwed over by multiple people we tried to help. You might even know that my husband has a past that makes life difficult for us. You might even know that I've had multiple brain injuries and have lost 43 loved ones to illness,accidents, murder, and suicides. You might know that I left my long hour job to take on a shorter hour job. Did you know we lost that job yesterday? Did you know the air conditioner isn't working correctly and tripled our power bill and its going to be cut off soon? Did you know we can't survive on my husband's disability? Did you know its nearly impossible for us to find a new place to live based on income, credit history, and the extenuating circumstances that I cannot mention? Did you know I haven't heard from my daughter in 2 months? Did you know he hasn't seen his children in over 11 years? 

Those that read this blog or maybe those that read previous blogs or "Taking Time to Breathe" (the spiritual devotional I published in 2011), did you know I drink, smoke, and curse all the time now? Did you know my faith is so small that I find myself questioning if there is a God? Did you know that people have said "God Bless you" and then screwed me over so many times that I cringe at the sound or reading of those words? Did you know I hate kids now? I hate pregnant women? I hate babies? I wanted one so bad and it didn't come and now, I literally just get pissed when I see them? Did you know that's my one and only training and qualification to get a job, childcare? Do you know how fucked up that is? 

Did you know that I'm so jaded now that I can't stand helping people? Did you know that my life is spiraling out of control and nothing anyone says or does makes me feel safe and secure? Did you know I don't face a day without pain - physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological pain day in and day out? Do you know I have people in my life that just seem to enjoy adding to that pain? 

Did you know that sometimes I sit and wonder if my husband would have been better off never meeting me and if he'd be happier if I just didn't wake up one day? Did you know that? Did you know I feel like by my moving down to Florida I fucked his life up more than it already was and that sometimes I just wish I would cease to exist because everyday I just make things worse by being here. 

Did you know that I live in constant fear that my husband will leave me (voluntarily or involuntarily)? 

Did you know that when I think about losing my husband, I cannot think of a single reason I will have to go on living? I've already lost my girl. Miscarriages have ruined any hopes I had of being a mom. I'm not even going to get to be a step mom like I used to hope. I'm jobless, surrounded by bills I can't pay and rats and roaches taking over what little shelter we have. My body hurts everyday. My heart is shattered from all the loved ones that are gone. I simply wake up each day with the anticipation of being loved by my husband and having that special one to pour my love into. 

So, you can delete me from you life, you can call me crazy,depressed,mentally ill, negative, weak, or fucking white trash bitch whore (for all I care), but there's one thing you can't call me 

you cannot call me fake. This is as real as it gets. 


~Sunshine Biondo~






Saturday, September 20, 2014

Autumn Changes With Grandma

Let's go walking in the woods, Grandma. Let the cool wind blow through our hair. I want to see the pretty colors of the changing leaves. Grandma, they crunch when we step on them! Oh Grandma, take me there!

Autumn is all around. Feel the crispness in the air. Squirrels are preparing for the cold. The last of the black berries are here. We'll have them with milk and sugar in a bowl. I'll tell you stories of when I used to walk with my grandma. Hold my hand child, we'll go walking. Grandma will take you there.


Let's go walking in the woods, Grandma. Come on, take my hand. I'll lead you. Feel that? It's the cool wind telling us Autumn in near. Don't you remember? It's your favorite time of the year? The leaves are crunching beneath our feet. Grandma, do you hear? 

Let's just sit a while. I will take your hand. Heart to heart we'll go walking. Oh Grandma, your eyes light up at the colors by your window. A chill in the air says your time is drawing near. Breathe in the freshness of the Autumn air. Isn't it lovely? It's my favorite!

No matter how old I grow, you will always be there.


Let's go walking Grandma. Autumn is here again and I feel you all around! I hear your laughter as the leaves of red and gold tumble to the ground. I see your bright eyes in the faces of my children as they point and giggle as we stroll. I'll tell them stories of our long walks, as we sit and eat the berries,milk, and sugar in a bowl. 

~In Loving Memory of Mandy Fortenberry who was never too busy to take her youngest granddaughter for a walk in the woods, and taught me all about Autumn~ 

~Sunshine Biondo~

Thursday, September 18, 2014

My Daddy was a Dreamer

Daddy walking me down the isle at my first wedding "97
I suppose that's how I learned to dream big! I don't know if my dreams will ever come to be, I hope so, but my dad's did. He was in his forties by the time I came along, the surprise baby, youngest of four. Most would see me as just another mouth to feed, but my daddy called me his baby and we were quite close! I'm not sure of the long line of job titles my daddy held to get to his dream of owning his own business, but I've heard stories of his military days, his milk man days, and his small engine mechanic (working for the man) days.

By the time I was in high school, Daddy was getting on up in age and after years of devoted service, he was let go from his small engine mechanic position. A position that I'd been familiar with my entire life as long as I can remember so I know he'd been there awhile. He said nobody wanted the old man hanging around. He could have given up at that point, but Daddy was a dreamer and through it all, he held onto those dreams no matter how bleak it looked trying to feed a family of 6 + help with a grand baby on such a tight budget. 


I forget just what age he finally opened up his shop, but I believe he was around 60. Unfortunately a family member and his buddies robbed the place once. Then there was the day Mama's fire got out of hand and burnt the shed to the ground! I guess Daddy was a stubborn man too! He always rebuilt! I definitely have that trait! If you truly want a dream to come true, then you have to be stubborn about it and willing to rebuild when it all crashes down.

I sure want to be a writer! I want to be a writer just as bad as my daddy wanted to open his own small engine repair shop. Sure enough, his persistence paid off and "Sumiton Small Engine" became a reality! Daddy was an excellent mechanic. He put multiple small businesses out of business, simply because he was good at what he did and most people genuinely loved him! They called him "Lawn Mower Man", coined by his unique advertisement of a push mower on a post rather than a sign. It got people's attention and his dedication and expertise did too! 


Today is the day my daddy entered this world, September 18, 1934. He celebrated 72 years on this earth and I got to be called his "baby" for 29 of those. 

In honor of my Daddy's birthday and the dreaming ways that he instilled in me, I'm going to try to write 500 words a day until I work my way up to 1000. I don't want to be 60 before my dreams come true, and though times are extremely tough right now, I don't want to let my dreams die either. 

So even though I like to go to a place where I can dream about unicorns, slide down rainbows, float on clouds, dance in the rain storms, catch glow worms,play in the pixie dust, roll in the glitter, paint the world with bright colors, run through fields of flowers, splash with the rainbow fish in the rivers, and spend my free time loving puppies and kittens while trying to catch a flutterby, that doesn't make me delusional! It makes me my father's daughter, the daughter of a dreamer. 


~Sunshine Biondo~ 582 words~ 

Friday, September 12, 2014

Am I Meant to be a Writer?

Writing flows so effortlessly from my heart to yours. It always has. My high school history teacher understood my passion for writing. He encouraged me to write during his class because he knew I hated learning about world history and current events! Unfortunately my English teacher did not agree. He told me to pursue other areas because I would never make it as a writer. Over the years its been a toss! Half of my friends and family believed whole heartedly in my talents. Half felt I was wasting my time. 

Deep down I know I'm meant to be a writer, but I am always searching for inspiration, signs, encouragement from the world around me to reassure my doubts. 

Today I ran across this article 8 Signs That You ARE meant to be a writer . I found it very interesting. Reading this was one of those rare "finally someone understands me" moments in life! 

1.)  I have many secret dreams! Not only do I dream of living a better life because of my writing, I dream of writing. I have had entire short stories unfold in my dreams and awake just itching to write them down! These dreams stay with me and agitate me deep within until I finally break down and write them down. 

2.) Doubt is a sign that I am meant to be a writer. Go figure - I doubt my writing abilities all the time! I go on long breaks, push my work aside, make a million excuses why I will fail, and refuse to even try to believe that I have what it takes! Definitely plagued by doubt.

3.) Excuses not to do things with others because I have to write. I'm truly not interested in what other people are interested in. I live in my own world. It makes it difficult for my husband who is very social, but its who I am. When I gotta write, I gotta write! 

4.) I get inspired. I get inspired by nature, people, circumstances, and all aspects of the world around me! I am constantly inspired by something I read, hear, see, or live through. 

5.) Perfectionism....could we skip this one? My husband is always on me that "it doesn't have to be perfect". It most certainly does have to be perfect! My work must bleed perfection. I strive for it. I live for it. Without it, I struggle to wrap my mind around it.

6.) Admiration for writers and all kinds of written word. I read. I listen to lyrics. I pay attention to speakers. I greatly admire writers of the past and the present and secretly wonder what it would be like to be read by (well lets be real) hundreds of readers. I'm still working on dozens! 

7.) Lacking - my life absolutely feels near empty (aside from my wonderful husband and pets) if not for my ability to write. In the past few years I have suffered tremendously for this reason alone! My divorce consumed me. Players consumed me. Leaving my daughter, starting a new life, working so many hours away from home at a job consumed me. I must write! When I do not write, I feel drained of my creative outlet and bogged down by negativity. 

8.) I yearn to write! I feel led to write. I secretly want to answer my calling and yet fear of what others might think or that no one will read my work, holds me back.

My heart raced as I read that article. It's true. It's all true. I am meant to be a writer. I know this. Deep down, I know I am. I'm just afraid. I don't want to be a failure in life. I'm tired of falling down so much. The reality is that I'm only a failure if I don't get back up again. Life has knocked me down a lot, but I always claw my way back up out of the pit I've been tossed into, no matter how hard or how long it takes! 

Plunged


Pain so brutal never thought I'd survive
Through the process, of staying alive
Plunged into darkness
Never to be found
I was defenseless
As the pain broke me down 
This life's a journey
I'm finding my way
Digging deeper than I knew possible
To face another day


~Sunshine Biondo~

Thursday, September 11, 2014

One Step Closer

........Ploomp, ploomp, ploomp, a tiny amount of water drips consistently from the kitchen faucet. Two small kittens purr gently in the chair beside me. Their soft calico markings rising effortlessly with each small breath. Tiny whiskers twitch. My curiosity rises. Whatever do tiny kittens dream about?

There is a stillness that I have grown unfamiliar with while working so many hours the past two years. Those long days are over now. A good man with a gentle heart lie sleeping down the hall. He sleeps quietly and not a sound is heard from where I sit. The place we call home isn't much to look at. It's a shelter. It's a starting point. My dreams carry me away to a finer home with a gorgeous view........

....Lap, Crash! The waves pound against the shore as the evening sun sinks behind the drifting clouds..I am living my dream. I am married to the most amazing and wonderful husband a woman could want. We have beautiful healthy children running around, laughing playfully. I no longer have to work outside my home, as my home is my office. My writing room is at the top of our modest, yet lovely beach home. The walls that surround me are of glass. I over look the ocean as I always dreamed I would! 


The clouds over head are growing darker...Lap, Crash, Whoosh! The waves pound heavy as the wind picks up. 

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, my fingers glide across the keys of my laptop! Story after story has been completed and placed into the hands of those eager to read what happens next! And I, I am thrilled to capture such wondrous beauty and neatly engulf my readers, each line urging them to come along with me! What will the next journey hold? Let us go, quickly, together, take my hand! Let's leap into the pool of the unknown!

I hear the children, oh those precious children. The ache of miscarriage and infertility has passed us, our children are happy and healthy. I hear them outside playing tag with their awesome daddy. "Tag you're it!" I hear him say. "I'm gonna get ya!" he shouts as he chases them about our back yard made of sand.

A flash of lightening dances across the sky! Thunder rumbles in a low and angry tone. I hear the downstairs door close and the pitter patter of little feet as they scurry to the movie room and settle in to watch a movie. How thoughtful of my husband to watch the little ones while I tap into my world of writing!

Whoosh! Crash! Clang! Rumble! The storm is upon us now. What an amazing show the sky puts on from my cozy glass office. I try my best to focus on my writing, but I simply must pause to watch with fascination! There is so much chaos in the sky tonight and the waves stand high as if they are soldiers preparing for battle! I quietly close the lap top and call it a night as I join my husband and children downstairs for movie night!

The morning brings about a welcomed coolness. The sand remains moist and tiny droplets hang upon the roses in my garden. I step outside to admire the beauty, breathing in the salty air that has replaced the strong musky and moldy smells of our old home. Those days are long passed. The journey wasn't easy, but it was worth it! I smile as a beautiful two toned yellow rose catches my eye. With one snip, I hold my golden treasure in my hands and head back inside.

Greeted by good morning hugs from our wonderful, healthy, vibrant children, and my amazing, supportive, loving, and handsome husband, I begin my upward walk to the "Sunshine Room". Happily coined for its unique display of every angle of the sky and of course because it is where the majority of Sunshine Biondo's creations take place.

I sit down to my computer once again, as the family heads out to play at the beach. After a few moments I spot them from my look out. What wonderful inspirations I have!

.....tap, tap, tap, tap, tap ~ It's all coming to me now. The story unfolds. Character by character, vision by vision, it calls out. "Come with me! Let us see what the next chapter holds....."

........The soft purr of the kittens pulls me back...Like tiny motors their continuous melody plays on. The dripping of the water has been drowned out by the tap, tap, tap of the keys beneath my finger tips...A smile crosses my face. I may not have my ocean view or the children just yet, but I'm not giving up on this journey!

Each day, each tap of the keys, each supportive hug from my husband, each hope filled smile upon our faces, each of these moments lead me one step closer........ 


~Sunshine Biondo~