Sunday, January 25, 2015

Just a few feelings...

This past week hasn't been all that great within our home. As a woman, I naturally wonder what I've done wrong, though as my husband, he says there's nothing wrong. There just seems to be this strange distance between us. The past 3 days we either sleep at different times or in different rooms. I'm not sure what's buggin' him, but I suspect its baby related. Earlier I caught him looking off in a distance and when I asked him what was on his mind he pointed out a father with his son. While at the store he had me sit in the mother's chair that was on display. Then he started looking at baby monitors.

Sometimes i think he and I have hope in shifts. Today must have been his day. It sure wasn't mine. I've been feeling down. I won't let myself look at anything baby and when it crosses my mind, I shove it far to the back as quickly as I can!

Perhaps tomorrow, or the next week, we can come together on our thoughts and our hopes and dreams.

I was blessed with several bags of mulch and some aloe plant cuttings today. I also plan to go back next week and buy a small tiller from the same person. That will help tremendously in the future garden!

I think I may be overly tired. My emotions are getting to me. Oh and did I mention he ran over my foot during the route Saturday? Purely accidental but still hurt. I still can't wear my boots and am being forced to wear ratty ole tennis shoes with the lace undone until the tenderness subsides..Oh the inhumanity! Oh well, that's about all the rambling I can offer tonight. Going to grab a nap  before Monday's route begins.

I must did feel nice sitting in that mothering chair with my husband at my side. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015

My First Earthing of 2015

Some of you might be thinking, "What is earthing?"

Basically, earthing is coming in direct contact with the earth's surface and pulling it's natural healing energies into our bodies. Long ago, people who farmed and enjoyed nature were constantly earthing and generally much healthier and happier people.

Those who know me, know that I adore nature! When I was in Alabama I spent the majority of my time photographing lakes,rivers,mountains, and the minute details of nature that we often over look. Everything from the single leaf twirling in the breeze to the magnificent view from the mountain intrigues me! Since moving to the city, I have to be a little more creative with my earthing. No, I haven't resorted to "earthing sheets" as I feel anything you need to be inside and plug in to electricity to use, isn't very earthly like.

Wednesday the weather was just perfect for getting out and enjoying the earth.

 The atmosphere however, leaves much to be desired.

I admit, I did resort to technology. I used my nature sounds apps to drown out the sounds of the busy traffic. I slipped off my shoes and sunk my toes into the sandy dirt along the road near my home.

I breathed in the freshness of the towering trees and simply enjoyed the world around me.

I felt the smooth leaves and the soft dirt.

I sat upon the (not so green grass), closed my eyes, and just enjoyed being in the moment. Despite multiple vehicles in and out and zooming past on the main road, I was able to find (or create) my own tranquility among the chaos.

I've been digging deep into the ways of naturalism. I've replaced soaps and shampoos with apple cider vinegar (ACV) and baking soda. I find these baths and showers to be very soothing and feel much cleaner than I did when I would use something heavy with moisturizers. The results have been fantastic for me! My hair is soft and shiny and my skin feels smooth with less of the normal Winter irritations.

My music of choice, besides anything Peter Furler, has become that of a tranquil Zen or nature tones. I'm spending time each day exercising, stretching, walking, and, meditating. I'm starting to feel more relaxed and I'm getting a much better quality of sleep!

My diet is back to fresh salads and lots of fruits.

 I haven't cut out all dairy,meats, or sugars, but I eat those in extreme moderation and I am feeling much stronger and healthier since these changes.

I am no longer reading "Yes You Can Get Pregnant". I've decided to set it aside during this break to completely clear my mind of what we've been through. I've been focusing entirely on my husband, daughter, pets, and my own well being!

Earlier today a storm came through and left me sick with a migraine. I immediately set up a very warm bath of ACV and baking soda, candles, soft music, and an ice pack on my head. 30 minutes later I was as good as new (minus the pressure on my eyes that tends to worsen after a migraine). It passed quickly and as of now, I can't even tell I had a migraine earlier. Usually I'd be sick and in tears by now!

I was concerned as I blew out the candles, as to what kinds of toxins I was breathing in after having such a pure bath! Then tonight my husband surprised me with battery operated candles that change color

...Ahhhhh It's like Heaven...Speaking of which, today marks 7 years since my daddy's body was found..So many memories of a flawed yet wonderful man!
My Daddy, my daughter, and my childhood dog "Baby"

There's much to be said for natural products! I'm still learning, but I am becoming more and more excited and healthier with each passing day!


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

A Sticky Situation (short story)

I thought for my 101th post to this blog (yes I forgot the big 100, hangs head in shame), I'd tell a little story. Any who, Happy 101 posts to this  beautiful and heartfelt little blog of mine and many thanks to my readers, old, new, and indifferate! 
Some of you have read my short stories over the years, and some of you have probably only read my emotional rambling over the loss of our little Riley. Both sides are me, but I am indeed beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The sun is still shining and as my husband and I take a breather for 6 weeks (minus 2 days) of TTC, I am focusing on that sun!
Speaking of sun......

                              "A Sticky Situation"

I awoke to the sounds of my daddy clamoring around in the kitchen, early one Saturday morning. I blinked, trying to adjust to the brightness outside my window, wondering what delightful chore he would have me do this Saturday! My dad was notorious for finding activities to keep a young woman busy on her one day away from school and church. It seemed he did not realize that "daddy's little helper" was all grown up. I was fourteen, far too old to be following around my dad like a little lost puppy.

"Rise and Shine Clementine!" he called from outside of my door.

I grumbled immensely.

"There's work to do and it's nearly seven already!"

I stumbled from my bed, for there was no use arguing with a man raised on a farm. Then it came.

"We should have been up before the roosters!"

He always said that. "Daddy, we don't have a rooster."

"Roosters all over the world are up and raring to go!"

Not wanting to keep my daddy waiting, I got up and dressed quickly. I skipped breakfast because he had already gone out before me. I figured his plan was to have me cleaning up debris in the yard or tending the gardens, then I'd eat and sneak back to bed. He had something very different in mind.

"Whatcha need to do is climb up this ladder. I'll hold it. The bucket and mop is already up there waiting for ya," he stated as I approached my grandmother's old mobile home (extended camper really).

My eyes widened. My head shook involuntarily. "Oh no, I'm not going up there."

"Oh yes you are, Little girl!" he said with a raised voice that let everyone know that he meant business.

I knew he meant business. I knew he was getting upset with me. I could sense the man's blood beginning to boil. The thought of going up that ladder terrified me! Did I mention my daddy could be a stern man?

"Now listen."

I gulped, knowing that hearing the words "now listen" stumble from the lips of my soft spoken daddy, never ended well for me.

"I have other chores to tend to. You don't weigh as much as me so you don't risk falling through the roof! Get up that ladder, grab that mop and start tarring!"

"But Daddy?"

"Don't you "but daddy" me, get up there now Little girl!"

I hated when he called me that. Now my blood was boiling. I had never in my life spoken back to my daddy, but on that day, the heat from the morning sun must have fried a few brain cells. "I refuse!" I shouted, standing my ground on that free Alabama red clay.

"Don't you, what?! Well I oughta, I will take this belt off right this instant and tan your hide for that!" he said, stumbling over his words.

I immediately regretted my decision to exercise my right to free speech and despite his anger, I could see tears welling up in his deep blue eyes. I hung my head low, feeling more and more guilty with every step up the ladder. Finally I reached the roof and with a heavy heart, I looked down to apologize to my daddy. He didn't answer. Instead, he looked up at me with tear-filled eyes, and with one swift move of his foot, he kicked the ladder away and it fell with a heart pounding racket, resting with a thud.

I wanted to make amends with him quickly, and forgetting how terrified I was of heights, I stumbled all around the roof trying to spot my daddy below. He wasn't there. You know what else wasn't there? The ladder was also gone. I was stranded! I was, what seemed like at least one hundred feet off of the ground and stranded with no way down but to fall to my gruesome death!

My heart pounded. Tears began to flow. I sobbed profusely. I screamed "Daddy?! Please Daddy, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Bring back the ladder! Get me down from here! Daddy?!"

There was no answer. As my throat grew hoarse from the combination of screaming, dry air, and what I'm convinced was highly toxic inhalants coming from that bucket, I walked to the edge of the trailer and dangled my feet off the side. I left the bucket on the far end and turned my back to it. Stubbornness grew within me. I told myself that there was no way my daddy was going to win. He might have won this battle, temporarily, but he was certainly not going to win this war.

I sat up there, gazing at the nature around me. I took notice of how the tall pines, the skinny ones, had trunks that looked like knobby knees and their needles were all shiny and new. I'd often heard my dad use such terminology as "knobby knee'd kids", which meant inexperienced and less wise, "still wet under the collar", meaning young. I was young but I was also older. Couldn't he see that? Despite my most recent display of complete maturity, I was all grown up and the sooner he realized that, the better off we'd both be.

A satisfying smile crossed my face. I understood. I had learned my lesson. I stood up and called out to him once more with a scratchy, dry throat. "Daddy? I'm sorry I back-talked you. Can I come down now! It's getting really hot!"

He did not reply. I walked around the edges once more, hoping to catch a glimpse of him in his tool shed or on the lawn mower. I had a great view of all the land. He wasn't even in the gardens! His car was still in the driveway. As I searched, I caught a "whiff" of my mother's lunch cooking inside. "Lunch time already?"

The inner "daddy's helper" in me began to emerge. I walked over to that disgusting bucket and heaved the mop from it, covered in black goop. I slowly began to smear the shiny black tar across the roof top. Back and forth, side to side, I used every muscle in my body to maneuver that mop handle! I must have done about a 2x2 sq. ft. area when I began to regret skipping Breakfast.

I pushed and I pulled with all of my might, covering the thinning gray top with a new coat of black. I began to take pride in my work. Standing so high up was a little fun, despite my being slightly traumatized by him kicking the ladder away. As noon came, which folks in Alabama like to refer to the time that the sun likes to blaze down and scorch everything in its path, I was half way finished with the roof. Finally, I caught a glimpse of my daddy down below.

"Ya eat yet?" he called up.

Was he serious?

"Looks like you got a little sun," he said as he laughed a wicked laugh. "Did you finish?"

"I'm half way there," I said, holding my mop at my side like a proud soldier.

"Not good enough."

My eyes widened, too dry to fill with tears. It became very obvious to me that my father did not take lightly a minor back-talking. My skin was stinging from sunburn as I looked at how far I'd come on the roof. Then I looked at how far I had yet to go. I heard the front door of the house slam shut and dipped my mop back into the bucket.

Some time passed. My skin was reaching boiling point, what with the added benefit of reflective tar beneath me now. My speed of work had gone from hare to tortoise. I heard some rustling below.

"Ya eat yet?" my daddy called.

I quickly surveyed the roof top to see if by some miracle I was done and could come down! I was not. I slapped the mop to the roof and pushed it away with all of my force.

"Not good enough," he said and walked away.

"Ugh! Will I ever finish this dumb roof?! I'm starving!" I grumbled under my breath, careful to not be heard by my father.

Finally, I cleared my last gray stroke. I dropped the mop into the bucket and over looked my shiny black work of art. I was finished. I could call out to my daddy and he would rescue me. Call out I did. For several minutes actually. Time dragged by. I continued to call out to my daddy. I couldn't stand the feel of my own skin on my body, as the sun began to shift. I quickly scampered over to the shaded side of the trailer. I had no other option but to stand on my exhausted legs a bit longer, or to sit in the freshly laid tar. I chose to sit, as it was partially dry.

I sat and I sat. The sky began to change into vibrant colors of red jubilee which seemingly matched my skin's shade perfectly! As I blended into the evening sky, a cool breeze crossed over, giving me a chill. My throat was parched. I could yell no more. I could barely swallow! My stomach seemed so empty that I thought it might began gnawing at my back bone for nutrition.

Surely, my father had left me upon a freshly tarred roof, to starve to death. Regrets of previous words danced through my tired mind. I adjusted my seated position periodically for fear that I'd be stuck for life if I didn't. My only companions were the mosquitoes dining on my inner juices as I sat upon that roof, baked to a crisp, too dehydrated to cry.

As night fell, I pondered my life. It had been a good one. Hard lessons learned. Fun times with my pets. Elementary school was coming to an end. It was a shame I'd never live to see High School, though I didn't mind. It wasn't something I was looking forward to. Every vegetable in the gardens below looked delectable, even the tomatoes, which I hated. If only I could get "un-stuck" enough to fling myself to the ground, perhaps the soft grass below would break my fall?

"Come inside!"

It took me a minute to realize what I'd just heard. Perhaps I was hallucinating from the toxicity of the bucket's contents.

"Leave the bucket and mop. Come inside!"

Suddenly, like an angel from the heavens, my dad's head appeared infront of me. "Looks good."
I slowly detached my jeans from the roof and eased myself down the ladder on wobbling legs. I looked into my dad's eyes and then looked down. He walked ahead of me without saying a word. As we reached the back door of the house, he put his hand out to hold it closed. "Don't you ever disrespect me like that again," he said quietly.

"No Sir," I whispered, trying hard to swallow.

He directed me to the bathroom and handed me a big green bar of soap and closed the door. I cringed slightly at the bar, half covered in black grease, half covered in dirty little bubbles. The only words from my mouth were "thank you". Despite that bar of soap's disgusting appearance, I figured it was about my only hope of getting out of the sticky situation my mouth had gotten me into.


Monday, January 19, 2015

I'm going to grow a garden

Yes, you heard me right. I'm going to plant a garden. If anyone reading this knows my upbringing, that might not come as much of a surprise. I was raised on gardening! My late daddy taught me just about everything there is to know about gardening and my husband and I are confident that fresher foods will be not only healthier, but much gentler on our budget as well! Ooooh budget, I need to work on a new budget (okay one thing at a time).

If if appears I am looking for distractions during our 6 week break, you would be correct! Also my husband feels it would be really, really good for me to have a hobby to keep my mind busy and not focus so much on our um, TTC failures.

So, I'm going to plant myself a garden towards the end of Winter. I've never had a garden in Florida, only Alabama, and I've tended a few in Mississippi, but never Florida! How exciting! I expect this move will directly link my heart to all the beautiful memories shared with Grandma and Daddy. My next move is going to be planting flowers in the Spring! That will connect me with the good memories of my Mom. I plan to have lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, beans, corn (if I can find enough sun), and probably some melons and strawberries as well. :-)

So, Day 1, I got to sleep in! Not only did he go and get the papers from the dock, he ran the whole route with Ang as his side-kick. I awoke at 4am trying to figure out if I was coming or going from work (which I was neither), so I texted Lovie to see if all was well. It was, so I showered and went back to sleep. He joined me later and we napped until after noon.

I did some laundry (ahhh life without a washer an d dryer)....and before I could get my sopping wet laundry on the line, Lovie called to me for massaging and cuddles. It was nice, just listening to the animated rain fall and lying in his arms. Peaceful like and that's where the whole gardening idea was born. (At least we conceived something!) So step 1 is going to be to buy a gardening rake and start clearing and preparing the yard.

After our cuddle time, the parents invited us out for dinner (okay Mike invited himself and they reluctantly agreed) either way we got 99 cent tacos. I enjoyed the new restaurant, though it seems I'm the only one. I suppose it was the smaller crowd, quiet surroundings, and salsa that didn't burn through my tongue, that made it more enjoyable for me. I'll have to talk Lovie into taking me back to that one sometime.

After dinner we made our way back home. I to my bucket of wet laundry, and Lovie and Ang to our MacGuyver DVD collection. I swear our son will be named MacGuyver! No, I'm not kidding..We're thinking Giovanni MacGuyver....

So now Lovie has gone to sleep. Ang has consumed more food than I could imagine fitting inside her little body and has just recently retired to her room with a piece of peanut butter chocolate pie. All the furbabies are settled in and I am sitting in my new writing nook - just hammering away at these keys. A million ideas rushing through my brain at once!

Who knows what I might write next :-)

Faith,Love,Hope,& Rainbows! 

Sunday, January 18, 2015

There Comes a Time

When a couple just has to throw up their hands and say "WE NEED A BREAK!" Two and a half years of trying with three early losses is our time. We've decided to try a new approach. 6 weeks off.

Some might wonder why I'm sharing such a personal piece of our lives on my blog. I've always been honest on here. I haven't held back any feelings and I'm not going to start now. I'm certain there is someone reading this that can relate.

Every month since the miscarriage in 2013, I have made my husband suffer through a whirlwind of emotions! It isn't fair to him. It isn't fair to us. It isn't something I can control but it isn't something I can accept. My body fools me about every 3 months with pregnancy symptoms, late cycles, and crazy wishful thinking. I cry. I cry all the time. With each passing month and each emotional break down, it becomes more and more difficult to have hope and more and more difficult on my husband to tolerate being around me.

Trying to have a baby is destroying our marriage!

For that reason, we've decided to call a temporary "quits" and by "quits" I don't mean to set aside the charts. I mean we are declaring our bedroom a "No Sex Zone". For 6 whole weeks! Of course that won't include other (non baby making) options, but at least my body can't lie to us next month!

I will have to let you know how it goes.

For now, those following will understand just how frustrating this month has been: SHCW up until this freakin morning and then SHOW AF 3 days late! So yes that sucked royally. This month has proven to be another big disappointment.

Haha! Not next month you freakin messed up body! You won't get us next month!

In other news, this post probably would not have been possible had my husband not lended me his cozy hat during the morning route. Two deer darted out towards our car. My husband, never wanting to intentionally harm anything, stopped the car abruptly. Our teenager hit the back of the seat. He braced himself taking the impact through his back. Me? Oh my head hit the windshield so hard that it probably would have broken the glass had I not been wearing my husband's cozy hat. The deer are okay too! One tripped and fell into the side of our car. The other darted across in front of us.


I do love my husband and my husband does love me. We have taken this baby making thing way too far. It's consumed our lives and our thoughts and is starting to steal our joy. Nothing is worth our joy and nothing is worth our relationship.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Trying for Rainbow in 2015

First I'd like to say that this blog will be updated about once a month from here on out. My husband and I are stepping away from the whole "baby" past and future for a while. It's destroying our marriage!!!!! 

As for 2015, there are some "behind the scenes" action going on. I've been reading a book that I highly recommend. In order to read this book you MUST remove the word "infertility" from your vocabulary and embrace the strength within to reclaim your fertility. It's a real positive switch from what our doctors tells us. I also switched my diet to eating a light breakfast (usually whole grain dry cereal and dried or cup fruit), drinking plenty of water, a meatless salad for lunch, and then whatever I want for dinner. 2 weeks in I lost 7 pounds and we all know any about of weight loss can mean a world of difference in fertility! My husband wants me to take up drinking and smoking - figuring if we do everything wrong like everyone around us, we'll "catch" pregnancy too. But I doubt I will. All I know, is that we will never give up entirely, our hearts won't let us, and keeping up with this blog has become mundane and stale. Nothing I have written was a lie. This blog contains some of the most private inner most thoughts and feelings that I have ever shared before. 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Under Attack in 2015!!

Yes, it seems my little blog has come under attack once again. I'm not real sure why. I've been accused of being a liar. As the story goes, my husband was questioned as to whether or not losing our baby made him cry and be depressed. Well...the answer is yes and yes. I don't always write every detail of every situation. Mainly because I feel its nobody's business but our own. Further more, who am I to judge anyone - or vice versa? 

I just do not understand why, when things are going so wonderfully for us, happily married, daughter is home to stay, new job, tons of blessings big and small, that someone has to attack me for how I write. Is not the U.S.A a free country? Have I stumbled into a new dimension where there is some "unwritten" law that I can only write that which seems "appropriate" to a single reader?

I am so sorry that my writing has offended you! Actually, no I'm not. You have no idea how much I've been holding back! Now, I am angry....very angry. I hate to point out the obvious, but this is MY blog, not yours. I do not have to prove anything to you or anyone else. I will write what I want to write, when I want to write it, and in the style in which I choose to write! 

Just because we lost our baby doesn't mean our lives ended. Just because we hold onto the faith of our rainbow, doesn't mean we forgot about the babies we've lost. Just because I write in a poetic or dramatic fashion does not make me a Liar. In fact, I believe my ability to connect my readers heart to heart is what makes my writing unique. I'm set apart from others and I like it that way. It is absolutely not fair for you to call me a Liar simply because I don't write what you want to read. 

It's 2015, its a new year and blessings have been poured out upon my family! Let's stop there. A blessing to us is anything that we feel God provides to us, be it through a great job, a gift, or a customer's tip! It does not matter that we go to the store and purchase this blessing, or if it is given to us. A blessing, is a blessing! God provides all of our needs, and many of our wants and we are grateful to Him for being so faithful to us. 

We stand firm upon our faith, though at times it be nothing more than the size of a mustard seed, and we believe that God will provide our home with the cries and laughter of our rainbows to come! We are Blessed! 

I will shout it from the rooftops. WE ARE BLESSED! God has allowed us to keep our home. He has allowed us to keep our car. He has kept food in our bellies. He has brought my/our beautiful daughter home to stay. He has given us an awesome boss man and friend, the perfect job for us to work together, customers who truly appreciate our efforts and show it in Christmas cards and tips. 

I refuse to bow down to this negativity. I will not become your doormat just to appease you. I will not be ashamed of the blessings God has bestowed upon us. I will shout praise to the Lord for all He has done, is doing, and will do. I will continue to remember our little ones as the precious angels they are, and I will always believe that God is going to send our rainbows very soon! 

Don't ask me to apologize for who I am. Don't ask me to bow down and accept your negativity in my life. Don't expect to be a part of my "circle". My "circle" consists of a choice few who have cried with me through the sad times and rejoiced with me through the happy, just as I do the same for them. God is good to us. Things always work out for us. I will not accept this attack upon my writing, my integrity, and my character. 

Frankly put - if you don't like what you're reading, just stop reading it! 

So, that's my vent for the day. I'm not deeply affected by this recent attack, as I never let the attacker fully back into my life to start with. Stings less this time! I intend to have a wonderfully, blessed year with my husband and my daughter, my friends, my customers, and God willing, our rainbow ~ (I will write more on our TTC plans soon) As for now, just remember that ~ 

and please,

Faith,love,hope, & Rainbows!