Sunday, November 15, 2015

Writing My Heart OUT!

This blog began in October of 2012. Our precious baby, whom named Jonathan Riley was due to be born on May 18, 2013. My husband Mike and I had been married for just over a month when we learned he was coming. We were so excited, especially my husband. He stopped me one morning as I lay on the bed slowly dressing as morning sickness hovered over me. 

"I'm so proud of you," he told me.

Never again has he stopped the world to tell me those words. Apparently I have to be pregnant with his child and working 50+ hours a week in order to fall into the "proud" worthiness range. I fell very short of that range. As upon our first ultra sound, May 18, 2012 - there was no heart beat found. My heart shattered that day and as to this date November 15, 2015 - has not mended. 

Will it ever mend? I do not know. Not only did my heart not mend, those around kept taking little jabs at my shattered heart, breaking the small pieces off into even smaller pieces. "You should just get over it", "I've known women who lost babies and they didn't carry on like you do", and my favorite "I pray you never get pregnant because you have nothing to offer a baby". 

Now, my upbringing in the Pentecostal Church tells me to pray for those people and forgive, but perhaps one needs a heart to forgive. My heart however, is nothing but ground bits of dust and therefore I don't feel at this time in any way, shape, or form, obligated to give them anything, including my forgiving prayer. 

You see? I am hurting. My baby died. I don't care if my baby was a fetus to you or a group of cells. My baby, was my baby. I held him inside of me. He was growing and supposed to bring great joy to our home, unfortunately, he brought sorrow. You know what? I've learned over the past few months, that I don't like that baby. That's right. I'm its Momma and I don't like him. Why would I say such a horrible thing? Well, I'll tell you - since he was just a blob of cells or a fetus to you anyway. That baby brought so much pain to our home that his mom may never recover from it all! 

Here's what happened. Hateful things were said. The baby died (as wished and prayed for to happen). I fell into the pool of grief. My husband turned to video games to cope. I wrote out my feelings in this blog and was then verbally attacked (by said above prayer warrior) for being a liar. I fell into a pool of grief that will most likely kill me. My teenage daughter moved out the following month to go live with her father (she has since moved back but our relationship is very damaged). My husband and I tried repeatedly to get pregnant, got pregnant two more times, and I miscarried both. My depression began to soar higher than I ability to cope. I left a 20+ years long career because my envy and bitterness of holding other peoples' children far outweighed my desire to be a nanny. Every friend around us became pregnant, had beautiful healthy pregnancies, followed by beautiful healthy babies that they are now enjoying and bragging about daily so I hide from social media. And the final blow, which ground said heart to dust, my husband confessed that it is my high strung inability to cope with anything (including said prayer warrior above), that caused us to lose four babies in a matter of 3 years. Because of this and my "basket case" ways, my husband of 2 years walked away from our bedroom and into the living room to reside on the couch. 

Now, fast forward 3 months, I sit alone in a room, once against cluttered by the grief of my mind (although my bed is made). I hang my head low, my tears stream (as they do every time I lie down upon this cold bed without my love to hold me), and the dust that is my heart begins to fade into the black. 

In my mind, this is all a bad dream. One day that man is going to realize that I am worth his time, love, and cuddles. He's going to come back into this bedroom and be my husband. We're going to have an amazing night and its going to produce our beautiful healthy baby. 

However, in the darkness, my mind wanders to a very dark forest where I freeze to death among the trees. If only I had, had some body heat to keep my heart beating. Alas, I do not, therefore, my womb remains forever empty within my corpse- and nobody even knows I'm gone - for if they did, they might celebrate my absence. 

The tombstone would read "Here lies Lisa, the basket case baby killer that nobody, not even her own babies wanted to be around" 

And that my dears, is what having multiple miscarriages, being surrounded by hatefulness, and losing the very ones you love to the couch, will do to a woman's mind.....


Friday, November 6, 2015

doin okay

It's now been 3 years trying to conceive. We did conceive a 4th time, another chemical loss. I did start back on Vitex, this will be my 3rd cycle and things seem to be working better, definitely feel more balanced but symptoms are still pretty rough. 

Not much has changed, my husband moved to the couch, we had some major marital differences and the grief and frustration became overwhelming! We are still very much a loving couple and best friends, but we're each doing some soul searching to find our way back to happiness. 

It's hard to hope - really hard to hope. As for me, I've taken up drinking on a regular basis now, responsibly, just enough to get a buzz and sleep better at night. He and I are still working together and we date each other more often. 

There comes a time when you have to stop charting and scheduling around making a baby, and just get back to the basics of enjoying each others' company....That's what's going on...With help from God, margaritas, and wine, we're doing......okay. 

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Lifestyle Changes for Fertility

My husband and I have decided that although it seems all odds are against us and the passing months are so discouraging, our hearts will simply not let go of the hope that we will have babies together..We have also decided that he is forever 28 and I am forever 26 regardless of the lies our birthdays may try to tell us.

~Lifestyle Changes~
*1 We decided that we no longer consider ourselves "infertile". We consider ourselves "fertility challenged". The word "infertility" is banished from our vocabulary unless said in a playful manner. Yes it happens. Such as, "I may be fat and infertile, but I'm loyal!" :-D  Humor helps us survive.

*2 We are making time for each other. (ya know, outside the bedroom). Somewhere along the way of vigorously trying for a baby we lost touch with each other. We are working on reconnecting, enjoying the moment, focusing less on making a baby even though its well known that we both want one so much we can barely fight through the disappointment to say the word!

*3 We upped our nutrition. I try to have 1 green smoothie a day, containing at least 3 fruits and 1 veggie. I take supplements: prenatal vitamin, folic acid, cod liver oil, vitamin B complex, and vitamin D. My husband adds vegetables to everything and he eats an apple a day. (Cliche' much?) Whatever works!

*4 YOGA! Omgosh, I cannot express how much I adore yoga. I saw real results within just a few weeks and I feel stronger and calmer. Each time I move into "Warrior Pose" I picture myself conquering our "challenges" and when I sit in "Butterfly Pose" I imagine the day I will sit in that pose with our rainbow baby in my lap.

*5 Along with yoga I take time for meditation. I find Zen music very soothing.

*6 Along with yoga and meditation, I also listen to fertility hypnosis meditations.

*7 And along with my yoga, meditation, and hypnosis, I kicked it up with some aerobics to burn fat, build muscle, and tone my body in preparation for our future pregnancies.

So here's to anyone else out there celebrating their upteenth 26th birthday soon!

It's been almost 2 years since the miscarriage that hit us the hardest (2nd trimester), and we still have good days and bad days. Today, so far, is a good day.
~Sunshine Biondo~

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Blogging Goals 2015

Yes, I'm starting my 2015 goals a little late. Up until today, I've been pretty wishy-washy about blogging. Up until Wednesday, I was feeling pretty wishy-washy about life in general. Witnessing death will really make you think about life. Dinner,Wine, and Violent Crime

Hopefully, I can get my mind back into blogging and living life. My goal is to reach 500 daily views in 6 months....

Current views today - 12

Current views previous day - 36

Current monthly views - 235

Yes, I realize I've got some work to do. What better way to get my mind off of the struggles of infertility and my dying memorial garden?

Facebook isn't really working for me. I'm going to focus on Twitter, Pinterest, and my daughter swears Tumblr is where it's at! I'm not sure what "it" is, but my curiosity is peaked.

So, that's it, short, sweet, seemingly impossible. If anything, trying to get pregnant at almost 36 and enduring 3 miscarriages in 2 years, has taught me to never ever give up. So, my wee little blog with 36 daily views, I haven't given up on you!

~Sunshine Biondo~ 

Taking my Blog to the next Level

This blog began as a healing tool for grief after miscarriage. It then emerged into a daily upkeep of the after shock of miscarriage and led into a diary of infertility and mixed emotions. Now, that my husband and I have put baby making on a back burner (for sanity reasons), I have more time and energy to focus on my blogging and my health. If I'm not writing, I'm not healthy!

Those that have followed have seen me go back and forth and back and forth about my book "Taking Time to Breathe". I think, sad to say, that ship has sailed. I published that book with a joyful heart and it  doesn't bring me joy anymore. Perhaps, one day I will publish books again, but for now, I just want to find motivation and passion about one single thing! These days, it seems harder and harder to find the silver lining or light at the end of a long tunnel.

I also realize that my constantly changing the name of this blog adds to the confusion. My readers probably (A) do not know what they are following and (B) cannot relocate a post they enjoyed due to the link changing. I blame this discontent on depression.

Be warned, there will be one final change made, hopefully this month. I will be purchasing the domain and this blog will become "chaoticbliss" .net or org or something "cheap".

So much has changed in my life over the past few years! My original and most successful blog "Scrambled Pieces of My Mind" was a three year journey recovering from a TBI and learning to deal with chronic pain. I mastered pain control techniques and was struggling to be a good wife and mom. Then of course my husband of 13 years grew tired of me and divorced me through an email. Once again my life was in turmoil, but I picked myself up and carried on a single mom and absolute easy target to every player in Walker County Alabama!

Then I met the most wonderful man on facebook and my life changed forever! Hopping a greyhound to meet a man offline, after having survived a pastoral sexual assault years earlier after meeting a pastor offline, well, it was a challenge! I wasn't sure if I had the strength within me to do it, but I did, and now, I've been married to my Prince Charming for going on 2 years!

It's been a bitter sweet 2 years though. With the fertility struggles and miscarriages, one after another, after another, Dear GOD, make it stop! We want a baby together so bad! It started to destroy our marriage, our relationship, our hope, our faith, our bond of love. Infertility was eating away at us from in the inside out!

Wednesday night was supposed to be a fantastic date night, an opportunity to rekindle the flames. A reminder of all that is good in this world. "Living for the moment" my husband was saying, just before we witnessed a tragedy.

What was this guy's last moment? Did he understand the officer? Did he mean harm to the people around him, which happened to me my husband just 10 feet away with his back turned? Was he suicidal? We know he was homeless. How does a homeless man end up with the hand gun? Why in the world did this happen? Was our car the last thing he saw? Was he looking at our food or my purse or our baseball in the window??? Our heart goes out to this man, who seemingly had no one in the world and to the officer who felt he had no choice.. Our Date night

The only comfort I can pull from that night, besides that my husband and myself survived it, is that I was seriously wondering if my husband saw me as nothing more than a "broken baby making machine". The moment the bullets started flying, my husband's strong left arm pushed my whole body behind his as if to shield me from all harm.

If that isn't love....

As you see, I've been through so much and I have so much in my head that needs to be written. I hate that I live in this fear that if I write the wrong thing, my own family is going to literally burst into my home and attack me (oh its happened), but I guess that is a risk I will have to take.

I need to share my heart. Life is unpredictable and its full of ups and downs. Just the other day, it was because of a surprise $100 check in the mail that we were able to enjoy such a nice dinner and date night together! Good does come, but when there is so much underlying  pain, depression, and fear, it begins to smother the good that tries to squeeze through.

In the coming days, my readers, I feel like Mic Foley here, "my dozens and dozens of fans", can expect to see the domain change from blogger to a "dot" something, more frequent posts, and a completely random and dare I say, chaotic blogging style that will depict the real life of my life.

I am quiet in nature. I enjoy writing. I enjoy being out in nature. I enjoy photography. I enjoy helping other people. I have been married, 2 years in August to a wonderful man who carries his own "thorn in his side" and life hasn't been and isn't always easy for him or me. My teenage daughter has moved in with us and she is a completely rebellious child, nothing like I was growing up. She talks back, curses at us, refuses to do much of anything, and is planning to test out of homeschool and travel the world. My husband and I have been trying for over 2 years now, since the day we met in person, to have a baby together. I am, gulp nearly 36 and he is going on 38. Our birthdays are in the same week, as was the week our baby was due. We lost him at 12 weeks, though he died long before. I was pregnant for almost 16 weeks with a natural miscarriage. There have been 2 others, before and after, both early, "chemical", brief, yet painful and sad. My husband has no contact with his children, 2, a boy and girl, beautiful kids, bright kids, kids raised by another man and adopted a few short weeks before we miscarried. My daughter left us for a year just after the miscarriage. Folks, that is 2 miscarriages and 3 kids lost in a matter of 5 months! That's a lot of grief.

I am a survivor though. I've survived a life time of abuse, physical, emotional, sexual, verbal. I've started out poor, risen to middle class, lived comfortably, and ended up in my car and motel rooms. My new husband and I live a simple life, bills are paid, roof over the head, car in the drive way (not ours but still) payments made usually on time. We run out of food sometimes but we make it. I went from being a special needs nanny working 10 hours a day and never seeing my husband to running a few paper routes with my husband for about 3 hours a day. Fear, anxiety, and depression have kept me from pursuing a second job.

It is my hopes to increase my readers and monetize this blog. I hope to delve deeper into meditation and yoga (not for religious purposes), but as a means to finally learn to relax! My husband and I still dream of having a baby boy, naming him MacGyver and going on to have a baby girl named Trensenity. Those dreams get shaken but they never crumble. Yes, for those who follow, Gebo has become MacGyver in honor of our "hero". My husband has had the honor of speaking on the phone with the director John B Moranville and it is his dream to speak on the phone to Richard Dean Anderson himself! Perhaps on his birthday, wow that would really make his day! He hasn't stopped talking about his conversation with John B and John is always sending him things from the set to add to his MacGyver collection. Very nice man! So naturally our rainbow son must simply be MacGyver. After all, through all this grief, it is our DVD collection of the show that has kept our minds off of our sorrow each night.

That's about it for now, I will try to write more often. I'm reaching to find my motivation in life and hopefully become passionate for living once again. I don't want to end up like the memorial garden, shriveled up and fading.

Trying to find the light!

~Sunshine Biondo~

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Dinner,Wine, and a Violent Crime! A date night to remember

Dinner, Wine, and a Violent Crime! A date night to remember

There's good reason for my absence in blogging this week. My husband and I have been traumatized by witnessing a violent crime and I had to allow myself time to process it all before I blogged about it.

This past Wednesday, March 18, 2015, began just as any other day. My husband, daughter, and I started out about 2 am for our paper route. We were having a good morning, but emotions were still running high about the baby. After work, we all went to our separate "corners" of the house and kept our space.

Thanks to one of our customer's blessing us with a sizable check, we were faced with a unique situation. We had to figure out which way we wanted to splurge! I thought about the memorial garden (which by the way is dying off and quite depressing), we thought about putting it into savings or towards a bill, finally, we decided we needed a break from our "reality".

I texted my husband at 3:20 which is the time each day we try to say "I love you" and remind ourselves that 320 miles used to keep us apart. I asked him if he wanted to get all dressed up and go out to eat (you know, at a sit down restaurant). He was game!
Waiting on a Woman 

So we left home some time after 4 pm, agreeing to leave behind money worries, marital stresses, infertility, and miscarriage. It was our date night, just the two of us, rekindling
that fire!

We decided on Olive Garden for dinner and were given a complimentary wine sample (which was very tasty). My husband ordered a full glass and I decided to have cheese cake for dessert as my "treat". Our meal was pricey and we were able to tip well. Sitting across from the man I love and surrounded by the quietness of a near empty restaurant, was so divine. We enjoyed our meal with no time limits and no anxiety over the money. It was a beautiful evening!

As we stepped out of the restaurant, the sun was just beginning to sink behind the trees. My husband came up with a wonderful idea. We were both dressed up and feeling great. We decided to visit a very special place to us. It is the place where we had our first date, the week I visited Tallahassee the first time. Its where he promised to make me his wife. Its where he proposed to me and I happily said yes. Its where we celebrated our pregnancy. Its where we mourned our loss. Its where we took my daughter when she finally moved back. The place, Lake Ella, was the perfect place to take new pictures and bring our beautiful date night to a close.

We pulled into the parking lot and the place was packed! I suggested we keep driving and take pictures at another local lake where less people visit. We were already there and decided to stay. My husband parked our car on the right side of the road and we walked across 10 feet to the left, at the edge of the lake. There we took a few selfies and pics of each other before asking another person to take one of us together. After that, my husband began taking pictures of me while I stood by the water and sat on the rocks.

A man approached us and was, well, staring. My husband engaged in conversation with the man who said he thought I was a model and was just watching. He was asking what magazine our photographs were for. My husband said something to him and then he turned and took this one last picture.

Then suddenly there were three loud bangs that sounded a bit like fireworks, they were very close together and very loud! 

My husband instinctively shoved me behind him, the man beside us ducked and ran toward the water, and we all looked up just in time to see a man fall limp beside our car,  as an officer held his gun on the man. My husband began videoing with his phone, why? He doesn't know. He took one very graphic photograph within seconds of the shooting and then changed to video. A second officer pulled the (apparent) dead man's arms behind him and cuffed him. We all wondered what was the point of all of this. Then the officer pulled out a gun and laid it on the trunk of our car. In fact, on the video, my husband can be heard saying "he just put a mother f****** gun on my car". We were in complete shock.
I was too sick to stand but relieved my wonderful husband is safe

Honestly, my mind told me that the man, who appeared elderly, had lost a red baseball cap as he fell (dead). Another witness claimed to have witnessed the officer shooting the man in the head, so that must have been what my mind refused to see. I looked away for a few moments as more officers rushed in. As we were pushed back to form a parameter, I remember staring at our car and body that was lying beside our front tire. I kept repeating "there's a body lying by my car".
His WTF? face
A peaceful evening shattered

We were all questioned by the police and told that it was going to be a few minutes before we would be able to leave. Once the officers realized what we had been telling them, that it was our car the man was shot beside, they changed it to "a few hours". The shooting occurred around 6:55 pm. We walked around the park for a few hours, calling everyone we knew for a ride so we could just go home. My husband asked officer after officer if we could get my purse, phone, and our Olive Garden left overs. All we wanted to do was go home!

Finally someone my husband knows agreed to come and get us. We were still trying to get our belongings from our car, as that car was not going anywhere for a long, long time! There was an outer crime scene and an inner crime scene. We were right at the center, at least, our car was. We were just about to get our belongings and go home, when another bystander reported my husband for having his camera out and we were confronted with the option of him willingly releasing his information or them getting a search warrant and taking it. (Footage too graphic and gruesome to share here) We agreed to do what we could to help them with the case. Giving up the pictures and video turned into giving witness reports and sitting in a small white room with a table and chairs for several hours!
We were given a piece of paper to entertain ourselves..Instantly 12 years old again! "B*L*U*E". He isn't making light of the situation, he is smiling because he was delirious! 

We were traumatized so a lady from victim's advocate was sent to talk with us. She stayed with us most of the night, which was very helpful. We were able to speak openly about what we had seen. We were both sick to the stomach and had severe headaches. My husband was rambling about random topics. I remained quiet. Each of us trying to process that we had literally seen a life taken and his blood was on our car. It wasn't until nearly 2 am the next morning that my husband's phone was returned and we were able to get the phone numbers we needed to call into work. The victim's advocate made the call for us stating that we were not capable or working after having witnessed a violent crime. We weren't. Honestly, we still are not fully capable of running our routes, but after coming back to $48 in errors from misses and returning close to 50 calls and emails, we have to fight through the confusion and disorientation we are still experiencing and do what is best for our customers!

Finally the police department took our keys and our car was cleaned and brought to the station. A small comfort, considering the image will forever be burned into our minds. Our car will never be the same again.

The whole situation is so heart breaking, we still, 3 days later, do not know how to process what we witnessed. While at the crime scene, my husband was interviewed by a few different reporters. Some of those reports are below.
We were positioned near where the officer is near the silver car to the left. Our car is behind the black screen. 

Husband's interview with FSU news

Husband's news interview

If anything, our date night has taught us that life is fragile and unpredictable. I came very close to losing my husband. We will never know the intentions of the man with the gun. I only know that he was 10 feet away from my husband! Only the officer knows why he felt the need to shoot this man three times, but as for my husband and I, we are sorrowed for the loss of life (a 64 year old with no permanent place to call home),  and yet grateful to the fast acting police officers for serving and protecting us.
the officer involved

I love my husband. I'm so relieved that he wasn't injured.
~Sunshine Biondo~ 

Monday, March 16, 2015

How to Give an Awesome Back Massage

Have you ever wondered what it takes to please a man? I never have to wonder. I know exactly what he wants, more than anything. Now that I've learned some new techniques, he can't get enough of my back massages! What I'm about to show you takes about 20 minutes, start to finish. Surely, you ladies, have an extra 20 minutes to show some love?! Men?!

My husband suffers from a back injury caused when he was a child. He fell off a roof (please don't ask what he was doing on a roof, I don't even think he knows). Not only did he tumble from a place he had no business being, he fell directly on a stick which punctured his lower back and just barely missed his spinal cord!

I cannot stand to see my Lovie in pain, and so I've been working on my massage skills for about two years now and have finally found a solution that works!

For the awesome 20 minute back rub, you can use, just your hands or add in some oil. We keep our oil in a spray bottle so it's easier to handle *TIP* Never attempt on a pregnant woman!!! There's a special way to give that massage that I'll discuss some other time.

I'm not licensed, just lets say...experienced. I get a lot of practice with my husband and we both end up quite relaxed in the process.

Step 1: Gather your supplies : oil or lotion, towel, candles, soft music (we use zen), and a soft place to lie (bed or cushions on the floor work fine)

Step 2: Have partner remove shirt and pull shorts down a few inches past base of spine. If you are light enough, you can do what I do, just sit on top of him

Step 3: You want to start at the base of the spine..With a cupped hand on each side of the tail bone, gently squeeze inward toward the spine. You might feel gentle pops under your hands..You can continue this inward squeezing motion lower and up towards the neck, inch by inch pushing with cupped hands or thumbs in towards the spine and out again, being sure to apply pressure to the muscles and tissue, not the spine itself.

Step 4: Apply firm pressure to the upper buttock area, pressing very firmly with both hands..This can be done from the position pictured, or from the seated position first mentioned..My husband prefers the latter and the muscles pushed towards the spine instead of away from it, provide him the most relief..Experiment with your partner to see which they prefer.

Step 5: Work your way up the back again, beginning at the base of the spine, pressing inward, work your way up to the shoulders. Grip each shoulder as seen below and press downward, again there might be slight popping. Do this a few times until the popping stops and you feel the muscle relax. Usually 3-5 firm presses will work.

Step 6: Apply oil or lotion to your hands, rub together to create warmth, apply more and beginning at the base of the spine, rub hands up and down the back on either side of the spine. Do this repeatedly creating a sensation of heat underneath your palms. Apply a varied amount of pressure as you rub, sometimes deep, then light to rub away the sensation. *Tip* Try not to put oil or lotion directly onto person's back. The sensations will interrupt the relaxation. Also, try microwaving the oil or lotion and let it cool slightly, this is especially welcomed during the Winter and rain months.

Final Step: Use a dry towel to vigorously rub all traces of oil or lotion, the friction of the towel is an added bonus. Then once again, use the first method of cupping hands on either side of tail bone and pressing inward up and down until all the pops are released.

This massage takes a maximum of 20 minutes and can be felt several minutes after you've stopped. It's that good! C'mon, I know you've got 20 minutes to spare for the one you love!

~Sunshine Biondo~